Yesterday, i asked God for a sign. I want rain by noon. It came, just for an hour. I heard the roar of the thunder and was so glad upon the arrival of the rain. I took it by heart, for it was a sign of God's approval. It only poured for an hour and the sun shined again. I was asking Him for something and i thought that was it. Today, it's raining again, so i went out of the house and let the rain pour on me. I just wanted to be washed by it. Nothing more. I guess signs really don't work, or it was just pure coincidence. Not that I'm losing my faith, but something must have gone wrong up there, A part of me died again.

Also yesterday i heard that my aunt died from diabetes. Her remains will be buried today. Again, I'm going to attend the interment ceremony. And it's raining still. It always rains when I attend this kind of events. I lost a friend way back, a high school classmate, my grand mother. It always poured. It always does for me. So i will let it pour on me again, just for today.

7:35 am. A beautiful morning, a new start. I feel different. I felt heavy-hearted last night as I departed from my old self. I'm walking away from it. From my old self. It's very difficult but I must try, no not just try but DO IT!!! C'est La Vie as a lot of people tell me. I find it unacceptable before but I think there is really nothing I can do but to work out my dreams, be patient and eliminate all my negatives. I will be keeping strong bonds with my friends, family, fans(if I do have hahahah), and loved ones and God of course. I will try (no, not try but do everything) to reduce my expenses to a minimum (because i'm not the one who handles my money now). I will be physically fit ( i have a basketball game later), play more guitar and make more music to amuse myself and those who will hear it. I will love more deeply. I will take the hate away from myself. I will be nicer and approachable. I will laugh more. I will be happier and cast my worries aside and let God carry it for me. I may be in the dark now but I will struggle hard to be in the light. So help me Boss (up there). :)

Today i just have decided to give away my precious 1/3. She has been with me for more than 10 years. With her I learned to express myself, let my soul sing, voice out my emotions. She has been my friend in good and bad times. She has helped me express my anger, sadness, joy and everything else in between to small and massive audiences. She has never failed me, nor did others who tried to borrow her.

Yet, I have to give her away because I felt that it is already time for her to belong to someone else. She is now owned by an unknowingly 8-year old child who is now sleeping. That young child is to be my student, an  enthusiast who loves Hanah Montana. I dont know if she'll be playing with her in the coming years, or just consider her as a childhood memorabilia. I don't care what she does with her. I just wanted to make that little child happy. And if giving away a third of my soul would make her happy, I wouldn't refuse in doing so. Please take care of it for me, Sofie. Her name is Blue Jam.

                                      
Blue Jam                                                               Blue Jam's new owner: Sofie, with her mom in the pic.
(Click picture to enlarge)                                          (Click picture to enlarge)

Lately these days I feel like a burning candle about to lose my flame because I'm running out of wax. I feel like dying. The day of suffering is drawing near and I can't do anything about it. I beg for my saviour "pease save me! and yet the answers to all the grownings of my soul will have to wait patiently. I have been here for a long time but as the day draws near the pain that i feel is growing stronger and stronger each day. But i have been fighting to live, cast aside the sadness, think positive, work and earn and do everything I can to prove myself everyday, And I ask myself, why worry? Does it help? Will it help me and all the people around me? I think not.

If you are in your last days, what will you do? Will you mourn and cry, or choose to live your life to the fullest?

I choose to live and do everything i can. Even if I have lived long enough meaninglessly through all those years, I'd rather choose to live a good life even if there's just months left for me. I'd rather make the people around me happy, than to let them worry about my impeding death. The day draws near for me, yet I feel I want to feel more alive, and give everything I can to let them know and feel that I love them more than anything else than this world can offer. To You, please, listen to my prayers. I don't ask much. Please, just give me what i ask for. It's just very very seldom that I ask You. Please...

Oh well, the videos. It spreading everywhere. Like a disease, or more like an epidemic. Everybody is talking about it in T.V. and the Internet. I see a lot of people having their own copy in their cell phones, watching it during their breaks in awe and amazement. Men who dream of Katrina and Maricar are so jealous. I admit, their both beautiful, but Katrina is more famous, leaving me intrigued so I easily got a copy of my own to see what the buzz was all about. I saved it in my USB drive (and no, i have no intentions of saving it in my cellphone because my baby audits it hahaha!)

Yeah sure, the scenes were hot and steamy though the "production" was kind of poor (recorded from a laptop) but you can recognize the "artists". I can say nothing for Katrina. Everybody knows she's a sexy star and everyone can almost imagine it. The video was kind of dark but you can still see what was being done. And well... yeah it was hot hahahaha. I hate it when I see her cry in the interviews. I can understand, but with the kind of image that she's portraying, I feel no sympathy for her. I guess she should upgrade her career as a celebrity porn star. More money will come in for sure. As for Maricar, I was really surprised. She's the model  for PONDS facial product. She's beautiful I would say and she has this wholesome image. I was more surprised with this vid than Katrina's so I paid more attention to it. I think I finally understand why PONDS. The room was really lit in the video so you can really see. And look at Maricar do that cinematic BJ! And listen too!!!

No one really knows where it came from (or maybe it's me who only doesn't know, not interested anyway), well, good job i would say. A lot of people were really entertained by it. To those who sympathize, I also understand of course. Im not that all sarcastic. To Hayden, ohhhh man!!! One round and you're done?!!!!! To the two women, poor you, you were in candid camera porn version :D

6 AM in the morning and I am situated here in our satellite office. I thought last night that I can sleep here because I'm not really in the mood to work. But i got some requests from some of my teammates back in the office to do some of their unfinished work here. My head hurts. I was drunk yesterday, I thought that I can relieve the sadness that I was feeling that time. Well it made me feel much better that time, but when I woke up last night, it only became worse. I know this will happen but I allowed myself. I don't want this anymore. The hangover and sadness.

I woke up my girlfriend, made a phone call but she was not answering. She asked me to wake her up by 6am last night. I sent a text message, just confirming if she was already awake and told her that i was calling her and what I got was a cold message "bkt". I said I just wanted to talk to her and reminded her that she wanted to be waked up in the morning. And she did not replied anymore. Oh well, maybe she's just dealing with a lot of problems lately. I just wish that she would not be this cold.

I have a gig tomorrow at Sazi's (formerly Mayric's) with Do' ahou and G4. I'm really hoping that it would be a good gig for all of us. It's X' birthday celebration I really hope it would be a good one. Entrance is 100 with one free drink. I hope you guys would come.

To my Dearest,

   Hi Baby. It's been 8 months since the time we have been together. I would like to thank you for all the times that we have spent together. I am enjoying every single moment that we have spent right now, from the good moments, from the times that we both have shed tears, from the most intimate moments that we had and everything else. I never thought that I would fall for you again, but it got a lot deeper for me. I can never tell how much but i hope that you do feel and see it. I may have failed a lot of times but you chose to stay beside me still. Forgive me if i have hurt you in the past, failed to see and questioned your love at times. There are times that I got blinded by things that run in my head that clouded my mind and fill my heart with doubt. With each time you say you love me, all the sadness and doubt go away and I wish to hear that from you everyday. There may be times that we are cold, but each time we confess that we love each other, the warmth gets back.

I may have said this a lot of times before, but this time I mean it with more sincerity. If God would just give me one point in my life that i would like to go back and change, I would really want to go back to the time we first met, back 12 years ago when we were still in college. I should have loved you better than the way i did before and shouldn't have let you go. We could have been better if we have known each other better, if I paid more attention and gave more care, love and affection. I admit that I disregarded you and gave you less that what you deserved. It brings out tears in my eyes when I think of these things now but there is nothing I can do now but to act on what there is to us right now. Things are more complicated for us now than before, but I am facing it all with all my might, no matter how hard, or impossible it is.

Thanks so much for all the time, love, caring and everything else you give me in spite of all the hectic schedules and heavy responsibilities we face nowadays. Thanks for all the patience and understanding. I hope that you would still continue to be there for me. I have never needed someone in my life the way I'm needing you now. Please stay with me. I love you so much, my baby.

Woke up at night to prepare for the night shift job. I felt different inside. I don't know if it's my mind that generates all these thoughts or some entity speaking to me. For someone like me, I don't know where it's coming from, might be my OCD or something else. It happens to me everyday, well just lately. It happens in the first few minutes after my consciousness returns from sleep. It is a state of being numb. It is a state before your inner angels and demons start to fight inside your brain, before emotions take control of your heart  and brain, before your body starts sending signals of pain, pleasure or call of nature. I wish I can stay in that state for the rest of the day because it is when and where i feel truly at peace, that i don't need anything and anyone. I wish there is a way to unleash it whatever it is. Or am I experiencing death while being alive?

I feel sad for the death of this guy. I would not deny that he is one of my favorite artists/musicians here. I may not like rap music that much nowadays but he was one of my idols when i was in high school. Many rap artists came and gone but his name still stands out. He may not be as mainstream as he was before but his music never faded. He is one of the most important musicians the country has ever had. His music and his poems will always be remembered. I also admire him for making his own mix of rap and rock in the 90's to 2000 --. Many purists did not like his experiments but it was a success, gaining respect from both rap and rock fans such as myself.  Aside form being a cool dude, he is a very talented artist for me. R.I.P. Man from Manila. You may be gone but not forgotten.

          Wow, it has been a month since I last posted here. Been busy at work and life. I now live somewhere in Kalayaan Ave, a good boarding house, third floor. Thanks to Julius(Takumi) for showing me the place. Work is good though it eats lot of my time. Good thing it pays well, but I am deprived of social life. I can't even play my guitars anymore even though i brought some of them with me. I miss my friends. I only get to talk to them through instant messaging, texts and rarely through phone. Most of the time i work with extended schedules, so i can earn some more. I feel very motivated because I want to learn, earn more and start to work on my goals in life. I really hope and pray that things would go as planned. I guess this is the first time that I have made plans, dream big and work on it.

Well, it's not really spectacular, the things that I want in life. I used to dream to be a famous rock and roll guitar player, in mainstream level, but I know now that I will not be able to achieve that. I still play guitar and love it but I guess priorities change when you grow older.


_________________________________________________________________________________________________________


DAMN SHIT, i wrote those 26 hours ago!!!


ROCK AND ROLL!!!!

I'm back to playing, gig announcements for Rotschreck and Do' ahou will follow!!!

     Alright, I'm back here. I guess I won't be able to work on my website for quite sometime. Finally, I got a new job and I'm glad that it came earlier than expected. It's located in Makati, a huge Call Center company who call themselves People Support. I guess I just got lucky. Thanks to Jorel for slipping my resume at the HR's desk. Dreams are starting to build up again for me but this time I'm gonna be much more careful and wiser. I had so many goals last 2008 that I was not able to accomplish and now I'm gonna start from scratch once again. Thanks to all the people who have stayed by my side during those dark days of unemployment and depression. You know who you are :)

     We, Rotschreck, will have our first gig at UP Los Banos, January 31, 2009 and we'll do our best to be meaner and cleaner this time around. We'll also release our first song which we have been cooking for quite some time now. I really hope that people will dig the music we make. There are 3 songs still in the works and once we finish all those we'll be recording our first demo CD. It sounds really exciting and I feel glad working with the guys in the band. 

Mikes Tunes

blahblah

I have already moved to a new home.

http://mic5.weebly.com

I've been keeping myself busy these past few days and I think it's starting to payoff. One of the songs I have made in the past is starting to take shape and is approaching its final stages. The music is almost done and the lyrics are written,

ISOLATION
music by me
arranged by me and neil
lyrics by luci

  one's query can never be answered by glances alone
  but reason hinders the foul and satisfactory
  secrets best unexpressed is a golden knife
  that cuts wounds un-mending and regrets you'd be bleeding
 
  confined within these walls of excuses barbed
  yet the will is outside, a fictional embrace
  would it be warm for you too if you knew?
  confused between clashes of fortitude and reason
 
  the key are mistakes
 
  there were no excuses of the pain and misery a dream could bring
  no reasons to trade your happiness for my selfish nirvana
  to shelter in a tank for sensory deprivation is a must
  a climax of disorientation, to pipe my rats to drown
 
  if my care were my sins and the fangs that would devour you
  then equip a muzzle i will and deny my lips from receiving yours
  if my protection are the claws i would also tear you with
  then chains i will lock my arms abandoning hopes of holding you
 
  if my love would poison the very foundations of your existence
  then gladly I'd lock myself isolated and caged and rob myself joy
 
  only your glances can pierce the depravity that imprisons me
  tears of joy, for only my glances are allowed to reach you too


The music will be heard sooner as I upload it in my website (the site is very much bare bones as of now!): http://mic5.weebly.com

There goes my old girlfriend, there's another diamond ring
And, uh, all those late night promises I guess they don't mean a thing

Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made?
When you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away.
I used to feel your fire
But now it's cold inside
And you're back on the street like you didn't miss a beat, yeah

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me what it takes to let you go.

Girl, before I met you I was F.I.N.E. Fine
but your love made me a prisoner,  my heart's been doing time
You spent me up like money, then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
Cause you had me in deep with the devil in your eyes


Tell me that you're happy that you're on your own  
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dyin' when you're cryin' for me


Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me who's to blame for thinkin' twice
No no no no 'cause I don't wanna burn in paradise
 

I hate it. I don't want to drink from that glass anymore. I hate it when it takes a part of my sanity away from me. I hate it when it weakens my spiritual defense system. I hate it when it makes me feel sluggish. I hate it when it makes me tell things that I really don't mean. I hate it when it makes me cry. I hate the way it makes me feel the morning after. I hate it when it takes away my money and i can't refuse not to spend it. I hate the way it makes some of my friends lose the monster inside of them. I hate the taste of it. I hate the buzz of it. No more will I drink from that glass anymore.

I'm sorry, but I think I won't be there in your nightly therapy sessions anymore. Maybe I've just gone tired of it. 

Last night, i lost something that is very dear to me. I lost my girlfriend, because there are lots of complications in our relationship. She has made a decision, and i have made mine. Yes I do understand from the start that it's gonna be a rough journey, yet i allowed myself to fall for her because i needed love. I admit, that i'm a beggar of love. It's shameful i know, but I'm just being honest to myself. No one has ever loved me the way she did, but decisions have been made for both of us and it's sad that it cannot last for a lifetime.

In my older journal which is not available now for everyone to read, i was asking myself "how do i know when it's love?". I understand now how it feels. And I am very much in pain now losing it. I do miss all the times we spent together. all the text messages, PM's, dreams, kisses, hugs, her hands in mine, and all those nights lovemaking. I wish this is all just a bad dream, but im must face the reality, that i have to walk again on my own, alone.

I am very much in pain now, writing this journal. I have sent text messages to some of my closest friends and secret keepers, but no one has responded in my time of need probably because it's late at night. I just wanted someone to talk to.  I have talked to God, but he didn't respond and i felt that my prayers didn't made it through the roof. Im so sad and lonely,but i think i have to face this alone. How about tommorow? How about the coming days, i ask myself. I'm asking for strength, for guidance, for peace of mind. I have been in this situation several times, and i know that i will rise up again, I will not let her memories ruin me, but use it as my motivation to improve myself. And when the time comes, i will make sure that i won't fail. It's not my fault anyway, not hers too.

Once again, I'm alone. But I will rise up and get on with my life. I will never throw away the fond memories that we had. I will not destroy the things that she gave me, though i can't use it. I will be more honest to myself and to her whoever that person might be next.

To you: I will wait for you on the time we agreed upon: December 27, 2009, 8 to 10 pm at the sea, you know where. I willl wait for you. We agreed upon something, and i will be there waiting for you. I still love you.

        I learned the hard way, that life is all about choices. I know for a fact that i have a timid personality. In spite of the fact that I enjoy playing with bands in front of large or small crowds, I still suffer from low self-steem. I know that I can play and when I'm very lucky I really play good and flawless, yet, after a good gig, with many people, some I really don't know, would come up to me and say "man, your band is really good and you're a great guitar player", still, i don't feel that good about myself.

Actually, this is just one case of my personal dillema. But one thing is for sure. I suffer from depression. I read a lot of self-help articles in the internet to help myself break free, or atleast, survive one day at a time. My mind would always be filled with negative thoughts, and a lot of times, my mind would dwell in those thoughts and eventually, i would feel sad, sit down and cry. Funny isn't it, for someone who is believed to be a strong person, for someone who can lead a group of people, for someone who gives good advices(well, this is according to my friends) for someone who has the talent that many people would only dream of. I'm sorry if my last sentence sounds like bragging, but I'm just trying to check myself and tell myself that I am good/better at some things, just to lift myself up. According to wikipedia, I do have an Obssesive-compulsive disorder (OCD). And hell no, I am not proud of it. It annoys me when i hear some people say that " I'm OC, Im OC"!!! Damn shit, they do not know what they are talking about! Here are some examples:

I feel disappointed when things don't go the way I wanted it to. Like:
a) When I played in a gig and the band didn't do well, me included.
 
b) That I expect that my gorefest would end her text mesage with "I love you too" because I said that I love her.  Well, she does sometimes,  because I told her that she doesn't tell me anymore and it makes me feel bad. But when she does,  it makes me think that it's superficial. I'm so fucked up, that I tend not to see what she "really does"  and expect what  I wanted to hear.

c)  That I worry too much about the problems that will come my way, wasting my time worrying instead of doing something to prevent it, or atleast prepare myself for it.   

These are just few examples, but these are the really big ones, and almost everything are under those.


I have learned that anyone can rise and stand up no matter  what hard experiences one can encounter in life. I have a list of favourite quotes/doings that I keep inside my head when negative thoughts/depressions arise.

1. Depression is a choice.
2. Worrying does not help so why waste your time?
3. When i find myself again in that situation and I'm in a place where there is no one else, I yell "STOP!!!!"
4.  Crap! Im doing it again, my mind generates negative thoughts!

Well, I'm not saying that I'm over it, because I know that there will always be bad times coming. Sure they will come, will I be prepared? Will I sit down and cry, or just let it go and get on with my life?

How about you?  


  

This phase in my life SHALL end by 12 midnight today October 16, 2008. But, I will take with me all the good ones I had in the past for tommorow, and leave all the ungood ones for today.

 

                 This is what my desktop looks like at work most of the time , so if you keep sending youtube links when we talk over the net and i say i can't watch, it's because it looks like this.
 

                                        (Click to enlarge)


Im running FreeBSD 7.0
Apps:
AWESOME window manager:  A tiling window manager, no need for mouse input, though available :) (Im a                                                          keyboard freak)
CenterIM for chatting (with MOGS  in the screenshot)
mc (midnite commander): terminal based file manager and ftp client, i was testing my ftp site during this                                                       time
rdesktop: another terminal-based app for  remoting other PC's, im remoting my windows 2003 server here                     in this screenshot


I know it sucks, but i like it that way.

To a friend, i perfectly understand what you are going through. kaya mo yan dudette!!!

To "you", well what can I say? Words are not enough, but i know you understand for sure :)